Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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