I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
