Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
