And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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