i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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