i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
