You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
