he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
