Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
