Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
