Will you blow on my dice?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
