I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
