Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
