I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
