Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
