when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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