I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
