You smell like a Billy Joel song
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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