Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
