I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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