I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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