yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I haven't been this sober since birth.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Randomize
