So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
