upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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