While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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