Well douche your snatch and let's go!
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Terrible idea I love it
Randomize
