it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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