every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
