my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
