So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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