well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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