4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
How does it feel to date your dad?
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