The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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