I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
