I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
