I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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