Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
