how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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