i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
