One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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