How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
