You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
