so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
