:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
