my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
