Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
