he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
