Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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