Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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