does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Randomize
