And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
