He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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