I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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